Shrek: TP style!
by Firedragon12
Summary: I'm making movie parodys now! Woohoo! Title says it all. My fluffy pink punny will hurt you badly if you don't R and R. BE AFRAID!
1. Scene 1

A/N-Please review!!!!^_^ This is NOT an MST! The characters are different, as is most of the script.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Smash Mouth, Shrek or T.P D***  
  
Cast: Narrator-Numair  
  
Shrek-George  
  
Donkey-Diane  
  
Princess Fiona-Alanna  
  
Lord Farqaard-Jon  
  
Gingerbread woman-Kel  
  
Idiot Guard-Roger  
  
Village people-Kel, Joren, Delia, Josaine.  
  
Random voice- I'm sorry, but we cannot continue the credits, as our writer just had a...emergency. The thought of so many dead people in one scene freaked him out. We apologize for our writer's weak bladder, I mean. body.  
  
Narrator -Once upon a time there was a lovely princess *cough*knight*cough*. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort-  
  
Numair-FEARFUL SORT? WHAT TYPE OF GRAMMER IS THAT??  
  
Wyldon- *Pops up* Actually, it's correct.  
  
Numair-Really??? Hmmm. Where was I?? Oh yeah!  
  
-Which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave *cough* Wimpy *cough* -I must be getting congestion! - Knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of -  
  
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me George-oh yeah! Everybody dance!!  
  
Owen-Jolly!!  
  
Everybody else-Where did you come from?  
  
Owen-A jolly place!  
  
Everybody else-*shudders*  
  
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
  
Neal-HA! SO THERE STUMP!!!  
  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the sorcerer men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the pretty picture The ice we skate is gettin' REALLY thin  
  
*gurgle*  
  
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold  
  
Joren-Think it's in there?  
  
Kel-All right. Let's get it!  
  
Joren-Whoa. Hold on. Why would we do what you say stump?  
  
Kel-WHAT!!!???  
  
Delia-AHH!!, It'll grind my pretty bone structure for it's bread! *lets out a small, high pitched scream*  
  
Shrek-*Laughs*  
  
Shrek-Yes, well, actually, that would be a spidren. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.  
  
Delia-No! My pretty skin tone!!! *looks thoughtful* (to shrek) My skin would even make YOU look handsome!  
  
Shrek-*ignores her* They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.  
  
Josaine- *with blue bunny that has dreadlocks and a paper axe* Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! This bunny is KILLER!  
  
Shrek-Right. *roars*  
  
All the 'villagers'-*Shouts*  
  
Shrek-*Whispers* This is the part where you run away.  
  
Delia-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming*  
  
Kel- Should we follow her?  
  
Joren- I guess so. DID I JUST AGREE WITH YOU???  
  
Kel-Deal with it!  
  
Josaine- Fly rubber duckies, FLY!!  
  
Kel- Riiiiiight.  
  
*They run away* *strike that; Josaine hops*  
  
Shrek-*laughing* And stay out!  
  
A/N-REVIEW!!!!! Pretty please! *puppy dog eyes* you can't resist the puppy dog eyes! Thanks! 


	2. Scene 2

A/N- This is the first time I've updated for a long time! BECAUSE I WAS BANNED! Arg.. *growls* That's okay though. I'll live. R/R please! Sorry it's so late! For you that read Blind date, the 3rd chap. is up!  
  
Scene 2  
  
Sign-"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."  
  
Roaul- When this scene is done can I pleeeeeeeease beat Ralon up?  
  
Director- Raoul, we're rolling!!  
  
Raoul- AHH! All right. This one's full.  
  
Ralon-Take it away!  
  
Ralon-Move it along. Come on! Get up!  
  
Raoul-Next!  
  
Ralon-Give me that! *takes broom and snaps it in half*Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.  
  
Raoul-Next!  
  
Ralon- Is that ALL you can say?  
  
Raoul- No! Watch this!  
  
Raoul-Get up! Come on!  
  
Ralon- *Glares at Raoul* Twenty pieces.  
  
*crate thuds*  
  
Raoul-Sit down there!  
  
Ralon-Keep quiet!  
  
Kitten- *crying* This cage is too small!! (A/N- I know, Kitten doesn't talk, but I am the almighty author! Now she does!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! By the way, the cage is made of dragon-proof metal)  
  
Donkey-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again! I can change. Please! Give me another chance! *look at script* Hey! This is animal injustice! I will sue!!  
  
Director- Get back to the script Diane!!  
  
Diane/Donkey- *Is walking around (back in human form) with a protest sign* Animal injustice! Animal injustice!  
  
Director- Please!!! I'll pay you double!  
  
Diane-*looks thoughtful* I don't know.  
  
Director- Triple!  
  
Diane- Deal.  
  
*Back to the movie*  
  
Old woman/ Orzone-Oh, shut up. Just because you ruined my palace, help turn me into a stormwing, and kill me doesn't mean I don't love you!!  
  
Donkey-AHHHH!!! STAY AWAY!!  
  
Numair-SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!  
  
Orzone-*cough* lover *cough*  
  
*Back to movie*  
  
Raoul-Next!  
  
Ralon-What have you got?  
  
Old guy/Vinson- This little ****ing wooden puppet.  
  
Puppet/Neal-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.  
  
Raoul-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.  
  
Puppet-Father, please! Don't let them do this!  
  
Old guy- Piece of ****  
  
Puppet-Help me! I'm being abducted be ALIENS!  
  
Raoul-Next! What have you got?  
  
Old Woman-Well, I've got a talking donkey.  
  
Ralon- *snorts* Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.  
  
Old woman-Oh, go ahead, little fella.  
  
Raoul-Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllll?  
  
Ralon-Stop that!  
  
Raoul- Stop what?  
  
Ralon-That!  
  
Raoul-What?  
  
Ralon-AHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Random Voice- We're sorry for this interruption, but Ralon has just been commited to a mental asylum. Raoul will now take over the entire job. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Now back to the film.  
  
Old woman-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -  
  
Donkey-*tears*  
  
Raoul-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!  
  
Old woman-No, no, he talks! He does. *tries to mimic donkeys voice* I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.  
  
Raoul-Get her out of my sight. I've always wanted to say that!  
  
Old woman-No, no! I swear! He can talk!  
  
*fairy dust flies all over Donkey*  
  
Donkey-Hey! I can fly! GO ME!! ANIMALS TRIUMPH!  
  
Director- Diane.  
  
Diane- Sorry.  
  
*Back to the film*  
  
Puppet-He can fly!  
  
Old woman-He can fly!  
  
Raoul-He can talk!  
  
Donkey -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't ever seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. *Starts dropping*  
  
*Diane snorts and starts running away from the guards*  
  
Roaul-Seize him!  
  
Raoul-After him! He's getting away!  
  
Raoul-Get him! This way! Turn!  
  
*Raoul and army comes into the clearing, where Shrek is tacking up a sign on a tree that says 'WARNING: Mad Barbie dolls beyond this point. STAY AWAY! (A/N- No offense to anyone who likes Barbie dolls! I just feel like bashing stuff. Sorry!)  
  
Raoul -You there. Ogre!  
  
Shrek-Hey! Who are you calling an Ogre??? I'm not half as ugly as yo- Oooooooh right...Aye?  
  
Raoul-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. What kind of name is Lord Farquaad? I mean really, what kind of mother would see their baby and then say "Oh, I think I'll name him Farquaad?" I mean, come on! What moron wrote this!?  
  
Director-I did. And it's BEAUTIFUL! *Starts crying* If you don't like it you can just.just GO AWAY!!! *Runs away weeping*  
  
Authoress- *Comes down from the sky on a flying hippo* I'm the director from now on! GET BACK TO WORK SLAVES! I mean. actors.  
  
Everybody-@__@;  
  
Authoress-^_^  
  
Raoul-Oh, really? You and what army? *turns around and gasps* AHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!! MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!  
  
Donkey- Can I say something to you?Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Shrek-Are you talkin' to *looks at were Donkey was*me? Alright Diane! NO MORE SHAPESHIFTING! Where are you? *Runs up to a squirrel* Are you Diane? Are you? *Donkey pops up from behind a tree trunk* Whoa!  
  
Authoress- STOP IT!!!!  
  
Everyone- *meekly obeys* ^_^  
  
Donkey-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. BABES!? I DEMAND A REWRITE!!!!*Director walks over to her and whispers in her ear* Ohhhhhhhh..  
  
Shrek-Oh, that's great. Really.  
  
Donkey-Man, it's good to be free.  
  
Shrek-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?  
  
Donkey-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.  
  
*Shrek roars, spit and other unidentified objects fly out of his mouth*  
  
Shrek- Ug. That was gross. Please excuse me while I go brush my teeth.  
  
Authoress- You're an OGRE YOU DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!  
  
Shrek-Fine, be that way!  
  
Donkey-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - *Shrek covers Donkey's mouth* Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.  
  
Shrek-Why are you following me?  
  
Donkey-I'll tell you why.  
  
'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - -  
  
You know that wasn't actually talking. It was more singing..  
  
Shrek-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.  
  
Donkey-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.  
  
Shrek- Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Other that magnificently hansom (A/N Yes, hansom is spelled right.), that is.  
  
Donkey- Uh- - Really tall?  
  
-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? And there are the killer rabbits. You sure you won't run away at the sight of them?  
  
Donkey-Nope.  
  
Shrek-Really? Even I'm a tiny bit scared of killer rabbits.  
  
Donkey-Really, really.  
  
Shrek-Oh. I feel so weak!  
  
Donkey-Man, I like you. What's you name?  
  
Shrek-Uh, Shrek.  
  
Donkey-Shrek? What kind of name is that?? Really! I mean---  
  
Authoress- NOT THAT AGAIN! Deal with the names! The old director's going to go crazy if you keep on doing that! *director is in the corner, rocking back and forth on the floor* See???  
  
-- -Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I- don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?  
  
Shrek-That would be my home.  
  
Donkey-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?  
  
Shrek-I like my privacy.  
  
Donkey-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.  
  
*Awkward silence*  
  
Donkey-Can I stay with you? I have a very pushy character. Doesn't he get when to stop? Obviously---  
  
Authoress- *Jerks finger toward director then makes a you'll die if you continue look at Diane*  
  
Diane- Shutting up.  
  
Shrek-Uh, what?  
  
Donkey-Can I stay with you, please?  
  
Shrek-Of course!  
  
Donkey-Really?  
  
Shrek-No.  
  
Diane-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! *Starts sobbing* PLEASE!! *looks around* Sorry. I just was.uh.. Getting into character!  
  
Shrek-Okay! Okay! But one night only.  
  
Donkey-Ah! Thank you!  
  
*runs inside*  
  
Shrek-What are you - - No! No!  
  
Donkey-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles! Wait! How can I swap manly stories? I'm not a man! *See authoress coming towards her with a dagger* But it really doesn't matter!  
  
Shrek-Oh!  
  
Donkey-Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek-Outside!  
  
Donkey- COOL! This rules! I love sleeping outside! I mean..Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.*Sniffles*Here I go.  
  
Shrek-Good night.  
  
Donkey- *sighs* I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.  
  
I'm all alone There's no one here besides me.  
  
A/N- That took FOREVER! Eight pages! R/R! Or all my work will be for nothing! *Weeps* 


	3. Scene 3

A/N- Thank you for reviewing! I'm so happy! Now go and review my other stories! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! ^_^;  
  
Scene 3 *Shrek puts on pink apron with lace and bustles around the house cooking and cleaning*  
  
Shrek- AHH! WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THE CAMERA WAS ON?! I'LL *beep*ING KILL YOU!!! *Grabs Alanna's sword, which just happens to be lying on the table, and chases after the camera guy*  
  
Authoress- GEORGE! COME BACK HERE NOW!!!  
  
George- *comes back stroking an ear* My precioussssssss...  
  
Authoress- ACT!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
George- Right, acting.  
  
Shrek- *Sees shawdows on the wall* I thought I told you to stay outside.  
  
Donkey-I'm outside. See? See? See?  
  
Shrek- Um, yeaaaaaah...  
  
*Clattering, Shrek looks down, and sees some mice*  
  
Mouse 1/ Owen- This is jolly!Well, gents, it's a far cry from the jolly farm, but what jolly choice do we have?  
  
Mouse 2/ Merric- It's not home, but it'll do just fine.  
  
Mouse 3/Neal -What a lovely bed. SEE STUMP! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE! YOUR EVIL PROJECT HAS FAILED!!!  
  
Mouse 1- That wasn't jolly, Neal.  
  
*Shrek tries to grab the mice*  
  
Shrek-Got ya. BOOYA!  
  
Mouse 2-*Sniffs* I found some cheese.*Bites down on Shrek's ear*  
  
Shrek-Ow! *Grunts*  
  
Mouse 2-Blah! Awful stuff! I need some Listerine over here!!  
  
Mouse 3-Is that you, Gorder?  
  
Mouse 1-How did you jolly know Nealean?  
  
Mouse 3- NEAL! IT'S NEAL!!  
  
Shrek-Enough! What are you doing in my house?  
  
*Looks around, and sees some weird gremlin/dwarf thing pushing Maude in a snow white dress on top of the table  
  
Shrek-Hey! That's my children's nanny! Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. *looks at script* I'm insulting my nanny!! I mean. the children's nanny!  
  
Gremlin/Dwarf thing- *rools eyes at George and his whining* Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.  
  
Shrek-Huh?  
  
*Shrek walks into a pretty little pink bedroom, that has lacy curtains, and shes a wolf dressed in Mistress's Cooper's clothes*  
  
Wolf (Male voice)-What?  
  
Shrek- *storms outside* I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? My frilly pink room is being invaded!*Sees pixies fly inside the house*  
  
Pixies-Aah!  
  
Shrek-*looks around the swamp* Oh, no. No! No!  
  
*Lots of stuff happens, but I don't want to put it down ^_^*  
  
Shrek- What are you doing in my swamp? *Echo* Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!  
  
Fairy-Oh, dear!  
  
Some other. thing-Whoa!  
  
shrek-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! YOU! OUT OF MY FRILLY PINK ROOM!! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!  
  
Seven Dwarves-Quickly. Come on!  
  
Shrek-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. STOP INVADING MY FRILLY PINK ROOM! IT MAKES ME SAD! *Breaks down and cries*  
  
Shrek-*Sighs, and looks at donkey meaningfully* WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INVITE THEM DAINE!? I'M GOING TO HAVE TO RE-LACE MY CURTAINS NOW, BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR WILD MAGIC!WAHHHHHHH!  
  
Donkey-Uh....Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.  
  
Possessed Puppet-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.  
  
Shrek-What?  
  
Possessed Puppet-We were forced to come here! *Goes into trance* FLAMINGOS! FLAMINGOS! THE HORROR! AHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Shrek- *stares after the possessed puppet, shudders, then recovers*By who?  
  
Random Person- Lord Farquaad.  
  
The First little piggie-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.  
  
Shrek-*Sighs*All right. Who knows where this Fuquaard guy is?  
  
*Murmuring*  
  
Donkey-Oh, I do. I know where he is. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! *looks around* Sorry, my wild magic is acting overtime. I keep on getting a goose's thoughts! GEEEEEEEEEESE!!! FLY LIKE THE WIND LITTLE BIRDIES! FLYYYYYYYY!  
  
Shrek-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?  
  
Donkey-Me! Me!  
  
Shrek-Anyone?  
  
Donkey-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! GEESE DROPPINGS! WHEEEEEE!!  
  
Shrek-*Sighs AGAIN*Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!  
  
*Cheering*  
  
*Birds come, and crown Shrek with a wreath of flowers and a robe of flowes*  
  
Shrek- OH! PRETTY PINK! IT'S SO PRETTYFUL! Oh! You! You're comin' with me.  
  
Donkey- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!  
  
Donkey-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.I can't wait to get on the road again.  
  
Shrek-What did I say about singing?  
  
Donkey-Can I whistle? LIKE A LITTLE BABY GOOSE??  
  
Shrek-No.  
  
Donkey-Can I hum it?  
  
Shrek-All right, hum it.  
  
Donkey-*Humming*  
  
A/N- Hope you liked it! I'm a George fan, so I can't belive I was so mean to him! I'M SORRY GEORGE! REVIEW! 


End file.
